This year has been another difficult one. Inside my mind, there are good days and bad. I have spent days and weeks trapped in horrible places where I hate myself and I just want to disappear. In moments such as these everything in life seems hopeless, you begin to feel as though you are drowning. The depths of despair appear to open ever wider and your own emotions take on an almost toxic form. Your brain refuses to stop overthinking every little thing and you begin to feel that if you disappeared for good no one would care or even notice because everyone would be better off without you. I have lost count of the amount of times this year that I have wished I could remove my own brain.
More than several times things became so bad, I kept crying. I would cry myself to sleep at night, sometimes for hours and it scared me because I couldn't seem to make myself stop. In those moments I cried so hard that it honestly felt as if my soul was falling out of my body. On particularly bad days, I didn't want to do anything. I just lost interest and even getting out of bed was a struggle; I just didn't feel as though I could face another day. I remember vividly one occasion where I was lying fully clothed on top of my bed for several hours, just staring at the ceiling and I thought 'what would happen if I just lay here forever'. I had no energy to pull myself up off the bed, I was so tired and physically and emotionally drained that I just didn't care what happened anymore. I felt as if I was fighting a battle that I was never going to win and I just didn't feel strong enough to attempt to fight it anymore. I remember saying out loud "F*** it, you win".
Depression makes you feel out of control. It sucks the life out of everything it touches; it cuts off your ability to communicate with others and it isolates you. There were moments where I felt so unbelievably alone and lonely, the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing were becoming very scary and more than anything I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted some comfort, even if it only came in the form of a few words, a hug, or just someone to tell me that things were going to be OK, even if at that moment that was the last thing I believed to be true. However, when most people I knew found out that I had a problem, they avoided making conversation with me, choosing instead to pretend that I didn't exist. I assumed this was because I made them feel uncomfortable, or because the fact I had depression made me a 'bad person' and as one person put it, 'they didn't wish to be associated with someone who in their mind was surely feeling constantly suicidal'. Whilst I am not trying to pin blame, I have to admit the reaction from these people did not make me feel better; if anything it just made me feel a whole lot worse.
It made it harder for me to feel able to openly talk about what was happening because so few people seem to understand; in society there is still so much judgement and stigma surrounding both depression and other mental illnesses. People are so quick to judge what they do not understand. A string of comments I received when I did talk to a few people about how awful I was feeling included the following: "Stop being so stupid", "Pull yourself together", "Grow up", "What have you got to be miserable for?" It made me feel as though these people believed I was deliberately choosing to feel this way. In reality, this couldn't have been further from the truth. I was constantly beating myself up and making myself feel guilty for feeling so bad, the fact that I couldn't control it made me feel ashamed and the realisation that other people in the world had 'real problems' which would make my feelings seem insignificant in comparison made me feel so much worse. If they could get through or face their problems without wanting to give up on everything then why couldn't I? Due to the above reactions from people I knew, I also started to dread social situations and I became anxious because I feared that people would judge and start to treat me differently because they knew that I had depression. Far from 'choosing to feel that way', in those moments I would have given anything to return back to 'normality'. I just didn't want to feel anymore.
I would like to tell you that I'm feeling much better now and that everything is fine. But it isn't, at least not yet. There are still days which are very difficult, where I can feel all or some of the above, or even a kaleidoscope of emotions but I try not to let it show too much. I'm slowly learning to take things one day at a time, to accept this illness, the sadness and whatever feelings arise with it. To just be and not make myself feel worse if and when I realise it's one of my bad days. Deep down I know I still have a long way to go... while there are more normal and better days now, there have been times where I've believed I'm getting much better and then I find myself back at square one again. But I know if I land there that there are some people, who are willing to try and catch me and to help me put the pieces back together. I would like to thank them for all their help, kindness and understanding over the last few months, you know who you are. The fact I am now working has helped me so much, as it has given me something else to aim and focus on and I really love where I work. The days where I don't think too much are the best ones, where things no matter how big or small have the ability to make me smile and realise that I'm not quite ready to give up yet. It gives me hope that I will get through this, that I will make it to the other side and that someday soon; I will feel and wholeheartedly believe it for myself when I utter the words "I am fine and much better thank you".
More than several times things became so bad, I kept crying. I would cry myself to sleep at night, sometimes for hours and it scared me because I couldn't seem to make myself stop. In those moments I cried so hard that it honestly felt as if my soul was falling out of my body. On particularly bad days, I didn't want to do anything. I just lost interest and even getting out of bed was a struggle; I just didn't feel as though I could face another day. I remember vividly one occasion where I was lying fully clothed on top of my bed for several hours, just staring at the ceiling and I thought 'what would happen if I just lay here forever'. I had no energy to pull myself up off the bed, I was so tired and physically and emotionally drained that I just didn't care what happened anymore. I felt as if I was fighting a battle that I was never going to win and I just didn't feel strong enough to attempt to fight it anymore. I remember saying out loud "F*** it, you win".
Depression makes you feel out of control. It sucks the life out of everything it touches; it cuts off your ability to communicate with others and it isolates you. There were moments where I felt so unbelievably alone and lonely, the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing were becoming very scary and more than anything I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted everything to stop. I wanted some comfort, even if it only came in the form of a few words, a hug, or just someone to tell me that things were going to be OK, even if at that moment that was the last thing I believed to be true. However, when most people I knew found out that I had a problem, they avoided making conversation with me, choosing instead to pretend that I didn't exist. I assumed this was because I made them feel uncomfortable, or because the fact I had depression made me a 'bad person' and as one person put it, 'they didn't wish to be associated with someone who in their mind was surely feeling constantly suicidal'. Whilst I am not trying to pin blame, I have to admit the reaction from these people did not make me feel better; if anything it just made me feel a whole lot worse.
It made it harder for me to feel able to openly talk about what was happening because so few people seem to understand; in society there is still so much judgement and stigma surrounding both depression and other mental illnesses. People are so quick to judge what they do not understand. A string of comments I received when I did talk to a few people about how awful I was feeling included the following: "Stop being so stupid", "Pull yourself together", "Grow up", "What have you got to be miserable for?" It made me feel as though these people believed I was deliberately choosing to feel this way. In reality, this couldn't have been further from the truth. I was constantly beating myself up and making myself feel guilty for feeling so bad, the fact that I couldn't control it made me feel ashamed and the realisation that other people in the world had 'real problems' which would make my feelings seem insignificant in comparison made me feel so much worse. If they could get through or face their problems without wanting to give up on everything then why couldn't I? Due to the above reactions from people I knew, I also started to dread social situations and I became anxious because I feared that people would judge and start to treat me differently because they knew that I had depression. Far from 'choosing to feel that way', in those moments I would have given anything to return back to 'normality'. I just didn't want to feel anymore.
I would like to tell you that I'm feeling much better now and that everything is fine. But it isn't, at least not yet. There are still days which are very difficult, where I can feel all or some of the above, or even a kaleidoscope of emotions but I try not to let it show too much. I'm slowly learning to take things one day at a time, to accept this illness, the sadness and whatever feelings arise with it. To just be and not make myself feel worse if and when I realise it's one of my bad days. Deep down I know I still have a long way to go... while there are more normal and better days now, there have been times where I've believed I'm getting much better and then I find myself back at square one again. But I know if I land there that there are some people, who are willing to try and catch me and to help me put the pieces back together. I would like to thank them for all their help, kindness and understanding over the last few months, you know who you are. The fact I am now working has helped me so much, as it has given me something else to aim and focus on and I really love where I work. The days where I don't think too much are the best ones, where things no matter how big or small have the ability to make me smile and realise that I'm not quite ready to give up yet. It gives me hope that I will get through this, that I will make it to the other side and that someday soon; I will feel and wholeheartedly believe it for myself when I utter the words "I am fine and much better thank you".
Note:
It has taken me months to reach the stage where I feel able to share this. To share just a small insight into how bad I have been feeling inside over the last year. Many times I have begun this blog only to delete it again, or to find that I can't compose more than a few lines before I start crying. I think that I was scared to put my feelings into something concrete, if there was a physical form of it, then everything I was feeling would become real. I was also scared that people would read it and judge or treat me differently because of it.
I think the fact I have felt able to write about this now, suggests that I must be making a few small steps of progress. There are a lot of people in the world who have experienced or may currently be struggling with depression like me, so if this blog could help just a few or even just one person and make them realise that they are not alone with their feelings and that it's OK to be sad, it will have been worth it.
“If you felt how I feel most days, I can
assure you that you’d no longer think depression is one big joke…. Until you
have had this piece of s*** in your life you do not realise how destructive it
can be. It sucks out all the goodness, makes everything black, makes you doubt
yourself, hate yourself more than anyone else ever could, sometimes it makes
you question what you even have left to live for. As for those times when you
cry it almost feels as though you are sobbing out your very soul. Some days or
weeks it is possible to feel almost ‘normal’ and the next you are right back
where you started with the black dog nipping at your heels. If you have never
stood inside my shoes, felt how it really feels to be me from the inside or
witnessed my life from ‘my’ perspective, then what right have you to judge my
feelings as being any less true than your own? Depression can happen to anyone
at any time. It is not a choice, it’s an illness.” – A quote I wrote on one of
my bad days.
"We're just the same we all get desperate sometimes, feeling Black & Blue."
- Paloma Faith.
- Paloma Faith.
