Happy New Year!

A new year, a new start and I can safely say I need one. I think my first reaction to hearing Big Ben's chimes at midnight tonight, will be one of relief. A sigh of relief, that I can at last put the year 2011 to bed and make sure it is well and truly behind me. It's been a difficult year, and although I've had some personal highs, there have also been a lot of extreme lows - some of which have been truly horrible and even upsetting. I just hope that instead of clinging frantically to the very edge of the cliff, or struggling desperately to keep my head above water in the vast ocean as I have been; I will be able to lay some of my ghosts to rest in 2012. If I can't succeed in burying them, I hope at least to be able to learn how to deal with them properly.

When my Nan was alive, she always used to say "Everything happens for a reason". I'm not sure why but that saying often echoes back in my mind. I suppose it makes sense, there's a reason why certain things happen to us; why certain people come into our lives and others simply pass us by. Ultimately we're all on a journey of self-discovery, trying to reach our destination. Some experiences in our lives may not last very long, while others could last the course of your life. You learn to make sense of them although some never reveal their true colours, they just are. Whether you choose to focus on experience or underlying meaning, at the end of the day you learn or gain something from it. And as a consequence a piece of your life jigsaw slots into place. But the most important thing to remember, which we often easily forget is that we are the creators of our own jigsaws. We can influence what happens next.

Which is why with a small spark of optimism in my heart on this New Year's Eve, I have vowed that I am going to try my hardest to be in control of my own jigsaw. At midnight tonight, the past of 2011 is over. The future of 2012 and all it's possibilities are only just beginning.


"Get your game face on for 2012! Meet it head on and take no prisoners. Spend time with those you love, don't waste time on things that sap your soul... pursue fulfilment and happiness". - Elisabeth Dermot-Walsh.

"The purpose of a new year is not because you need a new year, it is because you need A NEW YOU, a renewed soul. Respect the past, don't dwell in it, learn from it. Get rid of anything that isn't useful and the things that bring you down. Stay away from negativity and open your eyes, heart and mind to the blessings around you. When you want to do something, do it with conviction. When you choose not to do something, do it without fear and regret. The quality of your life is based on the quality of your thoughts and actions. May you have an inspirational 2012, with a lot of soul, full of compassion, love and determination". - Rita Zahara.

Merry Christmas..

Every year it seems to take me that little bit longer to get excited about Christmas - I'm not sure why, but maybe the fact some retailers feel the need to force the festive season onto us earlier and earlier every year has something to do with it. I think it causes you to get tired of Christmas before it's really begun - it dampens the spirit and magic of the occasion. It's almost as though you enter a 'scrooge' like phase about the whole event (mine is usually just not feeling Christmassy enough). Then suddenly, it's as though someone waves a magic wand over us all and no matter how old you are... you become just as excited about Christmas as you were when you were five years old. I can safely say that I have entered the final stage now, and my usual tradition of spending Christmas Eve making sure I'm feeling extra festive, has as usual worked.

Here are just a few of the many things I love about the build up to Christmas and the day itself:

I love: writing personalised Christmas cards, wintery walks, buying gifts for family and friends, the awkward moment when you get yourself attached to the sellotape while trying to finish the wrapping up, advent calendars, getting the decorations down from the loft and decorating the house/tree, the smell of tinsel, enjoying your very first mince pie and glass of mulled wine, listening to classic Christmas songs and proper Christmas carols by choirs - even if it's the millionth time you've heard them. Christmas lights - whether your own or someone else's, going shopping and seeing all the displays up as well as the visit Father Christmas signs (which make you remember your childhood) seeing the Coca-Cola lorry advert on the TV, watching 'The Snowman' and still feeling emotional when he melts at the end, the excited feeling you get on Christmas Eve just before it's time to go to bed - no matter how old you are. Christmas dinner, making and eating sage and onion stuffing, Christmas crackers - wearing the hats, reading the jokes and laughing (even though most of the time they're not even really funny), wearing very festive earrings, the slightly tipsy feeling at Christmas dinner after one two many wines, leftover Christmas food, Christmas pudding, the Christmassy feeling, watching panic buyers when you go shopping, Hearing 'Fairy-tale of New York' or 'White Christmas' on the radio.

BUT....

I think most of all... I love how Christmas unites people; it's something which brings us altogether, no matter where you live in the world. I love spending time with my family, just enjoying each other's company, reminscing about the days when the rest of my grandparents were still with us, and carrying out the same family traditions we've done ever since I was little... For me, Christmas is not about material things or how many presents you have under your tree. It's about spending time with the people you love and appreciating and being thankful for what you already have.

Life is not a dress rehearsal

No matter what else happens; there are two certainties in life. That everyone is born, and everyone dies. In daily life we take on challenges, strengthen existing relationships and form new ones, sail through happy moments and try to make sense of the sad. But most of all, we plan and make decisions. This can be for the short-term, such as deciding what you're going to eat for lunch, what music to listen to and how you will spend the rest of the day. Others are long-term, such as what you imagine yourself to be doing in two weeks, perhaps even a few months or maybe years from now.

This is natural; we all think ahead. It helps to make life interesting, aids survival, allows you to create goals and aims for yourself and it helps you to gain satisfaction from life. We learn to plan and make decisions for the future from an early age, so much so that in later life it almost becomes second nature to us. For example, a few weeks ago I was out with a friend and she turned to me and said; "Lauren, can you imagine what it'll be like when we both turn 40! I bet we'll still know each other, and we'll still be laughing over this". I didn't bat an eyelid at thinking that far into the future... in fact, I agreed with her on both accounts. The only thing I did comment on was how awful it was that we were already over the half way mark!

The point I am trying to make is, that while this is beneficial, it is so easy to get trapped within second-nature thinking. To take both our time and our lives for granted - we assume we have all the time in the world, to do the things we want to do. To achieve the things we want to achieve and to live our lives. Often, it is only when the balance shifts or is upset due to something distressing or bad which happens to us, do we realise the inevitable... that we do not live forever.

Less than a few weeks ago, I had one of those moments. On December 10th, a close friend of mine called Jenny passed away. She wasn't ill, or sick in fact she was healthy. She'd just left her house earlier than normal, to drive down and visit some friends for the weekend - but she never made it, because she was in a serious car accident which claimed her life. I don't know all the details, just that there was nothing left of her car and that she passed away at the scene. I don't know how much pain she felt, if she was ever conscious after the accident, or if she knew she was dying. All I know is, that my beautiful friend who helped me through so much, is gone, aged 23. 

It still hasn't sunk in yet. Every day I keep thinking that I'm going to get a text from her, or a phone call. I keep hoping for an email that never arrives. Every so often little clips and memories of our last few conversations flicker into my mind. I remember the way she would always tell me silly stories or jokes to make me laugh when I was upset. How we could easily stay up until stupid o'clock talking about absolutely nothing. How she used to tease me for knowing "almost absolutely everything there is to know about Paloma Faith". But then she would turn around and say like in one of her last texts: "I'm only kidding; you're doing a beautiful thing babe. You have such passion. Paloma is lucky to have you and so am I xxx". How she would always make her dog bark down the phone to say hello to me, whether he wanted to or not. How she thought coffee was the best hot beverage ever invented, while I can't stand it. They always say it's the little things you miss the most - and it's true. I miss all the little things. But most of all I miss her. I miss Jenny. I regret the fact that I didn't tell her often enough how much I appreciated that she was in my life, and how much she meant to me. But most of all, I regret that I couldn't save her from losing her life, and that I never got a chance to say goodbye.

No one will ever know if Jenny hadn't left the house earlier, whether she would still be alive now. And I know she had plans for her future, beyond the weekend she was spending with her friends. I can't imagine she would ever know she wouldn't even fulfil her first set of plans, let alone her dreams to become a teacher.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we all make decisions and plans. Some we complete, and some just end up on a 'to-do before I'm such an age' list, with the hopes of getting round to doing them. There may be worries and doubts about things in daily life, and sometimes we don't know if we're heading in the right direction or not. But sometimes it takes something that knocks you, to make you think, and take a step back.... to realise that the reality is, none of us know what is going to happen next. And in some ways I suppose that's the beauty of life... because if we knew, none of us would truly live. Life isn't a dress rehearsal, we only have one and we need to live it. So tell those you love that you love them, while you can. Break away from your routine once in a while and be spontaneous, try something new. Make new friends and cherish those you already have. Spend time with your family. Laugh, smile, cry, talk and listen. Enjoy food, nature and the world around you. Listen to music and set yourself free from time to time. But, most importantly... grab your plans, decisions and thoughts by the hand and treasure every single moment of time that you have living.


Dedicated to Jenny-Ann Taylor
14.04.1988 - 10.12.2011.
'Goodbye sweet angel, sail away on teary seas. Tattooed the times we had on my memory'.

Love you, RIP xxx

                                                     This song is helping a lot...

I would've like to have known you, but I was just a kid.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve adored Marilyn Monroe. As a child I was completely captivated by photographs of her. Even though I can’t pin-point the exact moment I was drawn in, or which photo I’m meant to hold personally responsible for my fate. I know that I spent the majority of my childhood glued to a book about her life, staring at the photos until I turned cross-eyed and telling everyone I knew, that one day when I was all grown up I wanted to be just as beautiful as Marilyn.

Fast forward 14 years; the said book has taken up permanent residence on my own bookshelf along with many others. Parts of my wall are adorned with Marilyn photographs, quotes, canvas prints and collages. Then there are the posters I have no room for, the calendar I get every year without fail and the film collection I have accumulated – 21 in total, which I love to delve into at every given opportunity.

Naturally, you can imagine my curiosity when I heard about ‘My Week with Marilyn’. When I first heard it was being made, I was sceptical. I wasn’t sure anyone would be able to pull off a convincing portrayal of Marilyn. Then I saw the trailer and decided that no matter what, I just HAD to see the film. I vowed to go, even if I had to go alone. Last week however, my best friend uttered the words “There’s a film I want to see”. We looked at each other and both shouted at the same time “My Week with Marilyn”. Once she’d told me that she’d seen the trailer and thought instantly of me, there was no going back, the deal was set in stone and a date fixed. This entire week leading up to seeing the film, I have been so very excited. So much so, that my friend kindly decided she must point out the fact we would not actually be seeing Marilyn to me several times.

Yesterday evening, the time finally arrived. Clutching our tickets, with my excitement levels clearly visible for the rest of the cinema population to see – I felt convinced Christmas had come early, we headed into the showing. But not before my best friend had uttered what I have titled the quote of the evening (she will kill me for posting this) “How old were you when Marilyn died? Were you alive?” It was only when I replied with “Babe, she died in 1962!” she realised her mistake, clearly she thinks we make a rather young looking pair of 49 year olds.

For those of you who may not know, ‘My Week with Marilyn’ tells the story of Colin Clark who was an employee of Sir Laurence Olivier’s on the production of ‘The Prince and The Showgirl’ it documents the tense interaction between the two actors on set, as well as the relationship that develops between Colin and Marilyn.

 

It seemed to take a little time for the film to warm us to the story but once it did it flowed beautifully and held us tightly until the very end. We laughed at the appropriate moments, gasped at some of the comments and watched with sadness as one of Marilyn’s hardest struggles – her stage fright and lack of self confidence in her acting ability was played across the screen. There were moments where you really saw Michelle Williams as Marilyn, the mannerisms and some of the scenes especially, which I wasn’t expecting to be so spot on.

There aren’t really any words that I can use to describe just how much I enjoyed and now absolutely adore the film. It pulled at my heart strings and there were many moments where I felt for the real Marilyn. Having read so much in the past, I know of some of the struggles she faced in life, as well as on set but seeing this in the film brought it to life. In a strange way which is hard for me to explain, it also made me feel closer to Marilyn. I have always admired and respected her as an actress and as an individual. I think some people were, and still are quick to judge her as the ‘dumb blonde’. Yet when you look deeper beneath the surface portrayed, you see that yes she had her troubles like anyone but not only was she very intelligent she was also very talented.

The film overall made me feel all sorts of emotions, it was completely beautiful, totally captivating and when it ended both myself and my best friend were left with the feeling that it had touched us both in some way. If you are contemplating seeing it, I highly recommend that you do. Needless to say, I will always be a Marilyn Monroe fan. I’d still of given anything in the world to of met her when she was alive, or to go back in time and meet her now. Instead, I shall have to wait until I get to the room upstairs and hope I am lucky enough to meet the beautiful lady herself. I hope that wherever you are Marilyn, you found the peace you were searching for.


I cannot urge enough how much you should watch the below videos (I have countless times): 

My Week with Marilyn Trailer

My Week with Marilyn teaser clip

Facts #1

Hi, my name’s Lauren but some people call me Lau. I dream big but sometimes doubt my dreams will ever happen. 2010 was the best year of my life. I like the colour purple. When I was little I always wanted to reach the end of the rainbow. People say I talk too much but I love to listen. I’ve been ridiculously seduced by the old classic romantic movies. I once had a near death experience with a suitcase and no matter how many times I stir my hot chocolate there’s always a lump in it. The future excites and scares me at the same time but the past intrigues me. Music is the key to my soul. I can stay up until 2am doing absolutely nothing. I love the feeling of grass beneath my bare feet in summer. Carousels remind me of my childhood. I could happily spend the rest of my life eating nothing but chicken. I’m very disappointed I don’t have an advent calendar. I’m going to see the film ‘My Week With Marilyn’ this evening and it feels like Christmas has come early. I’d currently give my left arm for cheese on toast, and if the world suddenly announces there’s a tea shortage it is most definitely my fault.