Life is not a dress rehearsal

No matter what else happens; there are two certainties in life. That everyone is born, and everyone dies. In daily life we take on challenges, strengthen existing relationships and form new ones, sail through happy moments and try to make sense of the sad. But most of all, we plan and make decisions. This can be for the short-term, such as deciding what you're going to eat for lunch, what music to listen to and how you will spend the rest of the day. Others are long-term, such as what you imagine yourself to be doing in two weeks, perhaps even a few months or maybe years from now.

This is natural; we all think ahead. It helps to make life interesting, aids survival, allows you to create goals and aims for yourself and it helps you to gain satisfaction from life. We learn to plan and make decisions for the future from an early age, so much so that in later life it almost becomes second nature to us. For example, a few weeks ago I was out with a friend and she turned to me and said; "Lauren, can you imagine what it'll be like when we both turn 40! I bet we'll still know each other, and we'll still be laughing over this". I didn't bat an eyelid at thinking that far into the future... in fact, I agreed with her on both accounts. The only thing I did comment on was how awful it was that we were already over the half way mark!

The point I am trying to make is, that while this is beneficial, it is so easy to get trapped within second-nature thinking. To take both our time and our lives for granted - we assume we have all the time in the world, to do the things we want to do. To achieve the things we want to achieve and to live our lives. Often, it is only when the balance shifts or is upset due to something distressing or bad which happens to us, do we realise the inevitable... that we do not live forever.

Less than a few weeks ago, I had one of those moments. On December 10th, a close friend of mine called Jenny passed away. She wasn't ill, or sick in fact she was healthy. She'd just left her house earlier than normal, to drive down and visit some friends for the weekend - but she never made it, because she was in a serious car accident which claimed her life. I don't know all the details, just that there was nothing left of her car and that she passed away at the scene. I don't know how much pain she felt, if she was ever conscious after the accident, or if she knew she was dying. All I know is, that my beautiful friend who helped me through so much, is gone, aged 23. 

It still hasn't sunk in yet. Every day I keep thinking that I'm going to get a text from her, or a phone call. I keep hoping for an email that never arrives. Every so often little clips and memories of our last few conversations flicker into my mind. I remember the way she would always tell me silly stories or jokes to make me laugh when I was upset. How we could easily stay up until stupid o'clock talking about absolutely nothing. How she used to tease me for knowing "almost absolutely everything there is to know about Paloma Faith". But then she would turn around and say like in one of her last texts: "I'm only kidding; you're doing a beautiful thing babe. You have such passion. Paloma is lucky to have you and so am I xxx". How she would always make her dog bark down the phone to say hello to me, whether he wanted to or not. How she thought coffee was the best hot beverage ever invented, while I can't stand it. They always say it's the little things you miss the most - and it's true. I miss all the little things. But most of all I miss her. I miss Jenny. I regret the fact that I didn't tell her often enough how much I appreciated that she was in my life, and how much she meant to me. But most of all, I regret that I couldn't save her from losing her life, and that I never got a chance to say goodbye.

No one will ever know if Jenny hadn't left the house earlier, whether she would still be alive now. And I know she had plans for her future, beyond the weekend she was spending with her friends. I can't imagine she would ever know she wouldn't even fulfil her first set of plans, let alone her dreams to become a teacher.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we all make decisions and plans. Some we complete, and some just end up on a 'to-do before I'm such an age' list, with the hopes of getting round to doing them. There may be worries and doubts about things in daily life, and sometimes we don't know if we're heading in the right direction or not. But sometimes it takes something that knocks you, to make you think, and take a step back.... to realise that the reality is, none of us know what is going to happen next. And in some ways I suppose that's the beauty of life... because if we knew, none of us would truly live. Life isn't a dress rehearsal, we only have one and we need to live it. So tell those you love that you love them, while you can. Break away from your routine once in a while and be spontaneous, try something new. Make new friends and cherish those you already have. Spend time with your family. Laugh, smile, cry, talk and listen. Enjoy food, nature and the world around you. Listen to music and set yourself free from time to time. But, most importantly... grab your plans, decisions and thoughts by the hand and treasure every single moment of time that you have living.


Dedicated to Jenny-Ann Taylor
14.04.1988 - 10.12.2011.
'Goodbye sweet angel, sail away on teary seas. Tattooed the times we had on my memory'.

Love you, RIP xxx

                                                     This song is helping a lot...